Re: What have you done that has worked? « Result #3 on Oct 10, 2009, 9:45am »
I agree - I am dealing now with years of clutter and I have taken several of the online tests for ADHD. While I am "high normal" - I am not ADHD. Nonetheless, clutter is my tendency. It was for my mother and grandmother as well.
For me, I think it has a lot to do with me trying to control an otherwise completely unstable home environment due to my ADHDer and due to chronic financial stresses. I have everything I need "just in case." I tend to keep things well beyond their "shelf life" because you never know and hey, who knows if I will have the money to buy it if I need it later. "What if" has traditionally been phrase commonly resounding in my head over the years. I am learning how to work around this, but it is a slow process.
In every loss, in every lie In every truth that you'd deny And each regret, and each goodbye was a mistake to great to hide... So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies Across this new divide. New Divide-Linkin Park
Joined: Oct 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 24 Location: South Central U.S.
Re: What have you done that has worked? « Result #6 on Oct 8, 2009, 1:11pm »
I am joining late in the year, I know, to answer this thread, but I think Silvermoon has such wisdom in what she says taking care of yourself.
She says... "I also have needs and I am entitled to appropriate physical, mental, spiritual, emotional health. Remember to take care of yourself. I believe that in the ADD/ADHD world- one may get carried away with taking care of the spouse, the house, the children, everything else. Often one may get wrapped up and forget that it is certainly o.k. to take care of your needs as well. Take time for you. Make it a habit. In my situation I truly had to fight to carve out time and space for me. I did not let my husband deter me from taking well deserved rest, relaxation, space, trips, and treats. "
She also says... "I have found that many of us who don't want to give up - its because we see beyond the diagnosis, we see the person. Yes. We continue to see those characteristics which initially attracted us to them. We continue to see the good. That's great. Continue to see the good. Be aware of the negatives and give him the support needed. Most importantly continue to help yourself."
*************
For myself, groping along blindly in this marriage for 8 years, it's lucky I am older and I've been through a lot already in my life, so there's not much my guy can throw at me that will wear me down. I do find I'm disappointed in the lack of empathy and selfishness he displays at times. But then, maybe I'm that way too sometimes, as a defense.
The biggest problem I've had is the uncertainty of financial matters. He thinks nothing of running up a credit card. To him, that's not spending money. He is also very stubborn when it comes to his car obsession. A lot of our funds go toward piles of junk and supplies to restore cars, and we see little or no return on the "investment".
I don't trust him on money matters. He has proven over and over that he can rationalize (? is this a rational process?) spending whatever means we have or don't have at times. It doesn't happen all the time, just often enough to keep us in the state of a hand-to-mouth existence.
At least he doesn't drink - except for caffeinated beverages. We do have a house and he is gainfully employed most of the time. With the economic downturn, he lost his job, so I have been somewhat concerned, but all is not lost yet. The fact is, I stay with him because we do have a house of our own. I didn't have that for many years living on my own.
I find that much of my life can be controlled by thinking about his behaviors, watching the money, worrying about his health - he has been diagnosed with diabetes - and sparring with him in non-sensical arguments. Many years of our marriage have been spent with me blaming him for the quality of our living conditions (I didn't want to clean up the house alone or clean up after him). The arguments made me feel messy and dirty, and a lot of the time I was depressed anyway, so would focus on his messes non-stop, and in the process, miss out on what was truly beautiful in life.
I don't want to be controlled in this way. I have spent time escaping by watching TV. Eating is an escape - I like to cook yummy things for us.
He has changed over the years we have been married. I think he truly loves me and wants to do well. He can be a great imitator of good behavior, too. He has amazing coping mechanisms that he has developed through life (such as never being late for work). I'm sure I don't know the half of it, since I focused on the incessant TV watching and the messes he makes.
We spend time apart from time to time, and that helps me get centered in who I am and what I want. Our most recent separation was about a month long when he went to visit his brother in another state.
My goal is to get the house cleaned up and organized to the point where I don't concern myself with what he does. It may take me awhile to do that, as we moved to the house we're in fairly recently. I have my work cut out for me to pare down our belongings and organize things into a fairly small space. Over time, there can be quite an accumulation, and this has nothing to do with ADD.
I want to have a social life, too, and interests that don't revolve around the home. It may require me to go without his company.
I have felt hamstrung by his disinterest in "improving" himself and wasting time in front of the TV. But who's tying me down? He isn't. At some point I have to direct my focus on doing what I need to do for me. If he decides to come along, great. If not, I won't worry about it. I don't know where I got the idea that married life had to be this tug-of-war to make the person do things in a certain pattern.
He loves me. We have times of intimacy. We have the same religious beliefs. He is true and faithful to me. What more can a girl ask for?
Anyway, blessings to anyone who reads this. May you find comfort as I have in joining this group.
Beth W Administrator Co-Moderator member is offline
Joined: Feb 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 2,573 Location: Washington DC suburbs (MD)
Re: Which books did your partner to actually READ? « Result #7 on Oct 2, 2009, 12:21am »
He read none of the multiple books I bought and paid for. I would pile them by the chair he always uses and I don't think he ever took notice of them. But then he doesn't admit to having ADD so why would he need the books.
Marry and with luck it may go well. But when a marriage fails those who marry live at home in hell.
Joined: Mar 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 318 Location: Utah
Re: Which books did your partner to actually READ? « Result #8 on Sept 22, 2009, 6:04pm »
The only book my stb-ex read was ADD & Romance by Halverstadt. I highly recommend it. He nailed the problems of our relationship perfectly. It's like he was writing about us.
How many times can I break till I shatter? Over the line can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around All that I feel is the realness I'm faking Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting . . . I always turn the car around Don't wanna turn that car around OAR - "Shattered"
Re: Which books did your partner to actually READ? « Result #9 on Sept 19, 2009, 7:15am »
Thank you so much!! I think my ex read Driven to Distraction and found it helpful, now that I think of it (yes this is my THIRD relationship with someone with ADHD - I know how to pick 'em). I will try that one first!
The irony is that he LOVES to read literary and critical theory and philosophy, which is the most convoluted complicated reading on the face of the earth! So I find it funny that this simple, easy to read book is "BORING" to him. haha!
Re: Which books did your partner to actually READ? « Result #10 on Sept 19, 2009, 12:19am »
Hey Angela,
If he is completely unwilling to address his ADHD, then of course he will find a reason the Gina Pera book is useless - why on earth would he want to read a book about the disaster he has made of your relationship and his life?
To get him to actually see he has issues, I would recommend "Driven to Distraction" - that's the first one my husband read when he was diagnosed and trying to get a handle on what ADHD was and what it meant. He had many ah-ha moments reading that book. Once he was more in tune with the idea that he truly had ADHD, then "ADD & Romance" by Jon Halverstadt (I think that's how you spell it) was a good one for him to read to see that ADHD didn't just impact him at work - but also impacted him in our relationship. We both went through that one and underlined MANY paragraphs.
In every loss, in every lie In every truth that you'd deny And each regret, and each goodbye was a mistake to great to hide... So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies Across this new divide. New Divide-Linkin Park
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